Failure to Launch

I'm feeling trapped.

I feel like I'm stuck in self-destructive cycle, doomed to keep on repeating the same mistakes that tear me to shreds, only to force myself to gather all the strength I've got left in me to pick myself back up, only to allow myself to get knocked back down again.

I don't know where I'm going.

I'm feeling as if I've done it all before, over and over again, and just like all those previous trials and tribulations, I've failed—failed so miserably so many times that it seems that that's the only solution I can arrive at without batting an eye, without even trying.

Maybe that's the problem.

Maybe I'm not even trying.

It feels as if I've been letting myself fall by the wayside so many times already that it's become the go-to answer, the default option I let myself go to when things get rough and situations call for me to step up and be a man.

I'm letting myself lose.

Why am I doing this to myself?

Why am I prioritizing the trivial when all along I know I what I need to do is to just buckle down and get my shit done?

Am I failing on purpose?

Maybe. I wouldn't put it past me, knowing my previous track record concerning this particular modus operandi.

But why?

For attention?

No, I don't need the attention. This isn't a cry for help, at least not the way I see it.

I don't want to draw attention to myself this way by spotlighting the fact that I can't focus, can't do what just needs to get done, can't do what it takes to just move on already.

I'm exhausted. I've been working so much, working my ass off.

Caring too much.

Why am I doing this?

Why am I pouring all my energy into my work when I already know I've proven myself?

Granted, I admit there is still some residual guilt left in me for having thrown it all away in the first place. I've not forgotten what I had to go through to get back to where I am now.

Humiliation aside, I'm glad I went through it. It's humbled me, knocked me down a couple pegs.

It gave me the opportunity to learn from previous mistakes, old failures, and make something better of myself.

And I have. I've proven I was worth the second chance, proved that I can change, that I've grown, that I can do so much better.

Knowing that, being able to acknowledge that, see the difference from who I was to who I'm becoming— that alone has been one of the most truly gratifying gifts I could ever give myself.

But what now?

I don't feel challenged anymore.

I'm not motivated to do anything else, not inspired to bring myself to action for… anything, it feels like.

I hate to say I'm dead inside. I know I'm not.

But something in me feels like it's broken.

Something in me is not clicking, something in me is not fueling the fire to get me off my ass and do something, anything.

I've fallen behind in my schoolwork, which is completely ridiculous and unacceptable, I know, considering the fact that I've only got one class to worry about this time around.

I can't fail it again, can't waste anymore of my time.

But that desire to not fail doesn't seem to be enough for me to motivate myself to do something about it.

I'm normally an action-oriented person.

Something ignites my interest, flames my passion, makes me want to get up and rule the goddamn world.

But I haven't felt that way in quite a while now, and I don't know why.

It feels as if I've fallen back in a slump.

The only consistent thing about me is my erratic mood swings.

I go from happy, inspired, brilliant, jubilant, to melancholic, apathetic, lethargic at the drop of a hat.

One moment I'm up, up, and up, and the next… I don't know what happens or how I get there, but the next thing I know is that I feel like I'm on a tailspin towards depression.

It is that time of the year…

I'm more susceptible to depression 'round this time.

I never do so well in the fall and winter months, when the only feeling I can recognize in me can be summed up as "bleak."

This is when the vices increase, intensify to a new level of addiction I'm normally capable of staving off any other time of the year.

This is when I feel the most empty, when I rediscover the void in my heart still exists and has continued to go on unfulfilled.

So what do I do?

I fill that void within me with more vices, in desperate hopes to plug up the hole that I can't fill, can't even name, can't even fathom how vast and bottomless it is.

More cigarettes, more alcohol, more pharmaceuticals.

More unfulfilled longing for love and intimacy, covered up by casual sex and artificial detachment.

This is the time of year I fuck myself up even more than I already am.

Because I am a fuck up.

No matter how intelligent I can make myself sound, no matter how competent I can portray myself to be, no matter how confident I can carry myself to look,  it still doesn't make up for the fact that I'd rather take the easier route and make a mess of myself than to even try to break out of the self-destructive cycle I've been in since God knows when.

Caught In A Bad Romance

"Hydrocodone may be habit-forming and should be used only by the person it was prescribed for. Hydrocodone and acetaminophen should never be given to another person, especially someone who has a history of drug abuse or addiction. Keep the medication in a secure place where others cannot get to it."

(source)

Slippery slopes are best navigated with ankles that aren't screaming in pain.

An Itch You Can't Scratch

I'm irritated and I don't know why.

The only emotion that rushes up to meet me when I check in with myself is anger and frustration, the hatred boiling in me so hot that it's manifesting itself through physical symptoms.

I'm itchy and agitated. I'm scratching needlessly, desperately at my skin, my hair, as if I'm digging for something deep within me, something that would provide the answer as to why I feel this way.

It's like a metaphor, with me scratching away, trying to find that spot that would hit me right where it hurts, but would also deliver me the pleasure of satisfaction over having found my mark.

But I'm digging and scratching and I feel like I haven't even begun to have scratched the surface, haven't even begun to discover a ballpark estimate of what it is that's driving me up the wall.

What is it that has got me feeling so hot under the collar?

Better yet, what was it that triggered this seemingly dormant emotion?

I was fine before all this.

I got my shit done, I behaved appropriately (well, as appropriate as I can be.).

I was in every means a normal, functioning member of society.

Until now.

Now I feel like a madman's taken hold of me, holding me captive until I've figured out a way to resolve all of his issues, so vast a task I can't even begin to discover where to start.

Maybe I'm just exhausted.

I've worked my ass off these past few weeks, barely functioning on little to no sleep whatsoever.

I've barely had time for myself, let alone other people. When I wasn't working, I was trying to squeeze in some time for sleep, or forcing myself to get the rest of my responsibilities or errands done, or wasting away all hopes of free time on public transportation.

Now it feels like I'm falling apart, coming undone at the seams right before my very eyes.

What is it that triggered this in me? Why am I now so consumed with my own irritation that I can't even focus on maintaining control of myself?

There are things I know I need to say, words I know I need to verbally express to make me feel more at ease in my situation—but I'm not saying them.

Why?

What are my motives for keeping them to myself, for not letting my needs known?

What exactly am I trying to grasp at here?

I crave a connection.

I'm desperate to find that intimate connection because for some reason, I feel as if possessing that would somehow complete me.

I'm irritated because I don't have it.

And with this irritation, I only push people further away instead of bringing them closer.

I'm putting myself on a destructive cycle here.

I want you, but I want you to keep your distance.

Come closer, stay away.

I'm torn between these two and I don't know which way to go.

Don't even know how to take a step in either direction.

I need space.

I need to distance myself away from everyone.

Better to have nothing than to have just a little of something.

Oh God, I'm falling apart and I don't know how to put myself back together again.

Learning Curve

What did I expect?

You bare your heart and soul to another person.

You finally give verbal expression to what you're really feeling deep down inside.

You openly pour your guts out to someone you trust completely in an honest, no-holds-barred fashion without being afraid to be seen as weak, vulnerable, flawed.

You willingly lay out all of your cards on the table for the whole world to see, and of course, this is what happens.

It's astonishing to see the lack of a learning curve I posses with this sort of thing, given the amount of times I've put myself in this situation many times before.

I give, and I give, and I give—but what do I ever get in return?

Besides regret, that is.

Let that be another lesson to you.

How does a fish get caught?
He opens his mouth.

The cards are staying close to my chest this time around.

Mission Statement, revised

I'm having an extremely difficult time with the first assignment of the class I'm taking for the third (and hopefully last) time.

Establish your life's mission statement and tailor it to meet the description of your business.

Step one:

To promote the awareness and understanding of the connection between the physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of life.

To teach the world about the integration of body, mind, and spirit.

To increase the efficiency and productivity of an accessible population.

To make the world more productive.

To empower the masses with education and physical prowess.

To eliminate the musculoskeletal hindrances of the working class through therapeutic bodywork and client education. (?)

I guess I'm having a very tough time trying to get past Step One because I've yet to find exactly what it is that makes up the driving force of my life.

I don't know what my purpose in life is, my reason for being here.

And it's driving me nuts.

Not just because I need to know it so I can finally move on with my Career Development project, but because I've spent 22 years of my life living on this earth without ever knowing what it is I want out of it.

I guess I should calm down, take it slow. Be a little more patient with myself, because what 22-year-old really knows what it is exactly that they want to make of their life?

I know I shouldn't expect too much out of myself, but I can't help placing these nearly-impossible expectations around my neck— it's just who I am.

And also, I really want to move on with this fucking assignment.

So what is it exactly that I want to make out of my life?

What is it exactly that gives me that oomph!, that driving passion that makes me can't help but do something?

What is it exactly that puts a fire under my ass and inspires me to do something great, make my mark on this world?

I have so many wants in my my life, so many tasks I want to cross off my life's To-Do list, but I've yet to run across that one entry that makes my heart leap out of my chest, the one I read and immediately know that's it!

The one thing I know for certain is that I don't want to leave this world without ever having made my mark on it.

I want to make an outstanding impact, make the time I spent on this earth mean something before I leave it.

This is the big picture I see that really inspires me to… what, exactly?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

What can I do to leave that kind of impression on this world?

It feels as if there is this large cloud of enigmatic possibility floating above me, so profound I can't even begin to comprehend its existence, and it is just waiting for me to tap into my highest potential so it can finally break and let loose the greatness I've got stored up inside of me.

And all I can do is feel washed up with regret over the fact that I still haven't figured out a way to reach it, to not even begin to have scratched the surface if it after all this time.

It's left me feeling nothing but frustration.

I feel like banging my head against the wall until I force it out of me, just so I can save myself all that time unsuccessfully trying to figure out who I am and what greatness I can achieve.

To answer why I want to achieve such greatness is easy: because I love praise and adoration that would come of possessing such an accomplishment.

I'm only ever truly happy when I have an audience, someone with whom to bask in the glory of my triumphs, the darkness of my failures, the pride in my success.

Perhaps that is my main purpose in life: to have an audience.

It's what I can honestly say makes me truly happy in life.

But how to tailor it to a massage-oriented business…?