"Hydrocodone may be habit-forming and should be used only by the person it was prescribed for. Hydrocodone and acetaminophen should never be given to another person, especially someone who has a history of drug abuse or addiction. Keep the medication in a secure place where others cannot get to it."
(source)
Slippery slopes are best navigated with ankles that aren't screaming in pain.
I'm irritated and I don't know why.
The only emotion that rushes up to meet me when I check in with myself is anger and frustration, the hatred boiling in me so hot that it's manifesting itself through physical symptoms.
I'm itchy and agitated. I'm scratching needlessly, desperately at my skin, my hair, as if I'm digging for something deep within me, something that would provide the answer as to why I feel this way.
It's like a metaphor, with me scratching away, trying to find that spot that would hit me right where it hurts, but would also deliver me the pleasure of satisfaction over having found my mark.
But I'm digging and scratching and I feel like I haven't even begun to have scratched the surface, haven't even begun to discover a ballpark estimate of what it is that's driving me up the wall.
What is it that has got me feeling so hot under the collar?
Better yet, what was it that triggered this seemingly dormant emotion?
I was fine before all this.
I got my shit done, I behaved appropriately (well, as appropriate as I can be.).
I was in every means a normal, functioning member of society.
Until now.
Now I feel like a madman's taken hold of me, holding me captive until I've figured out a way to resolve all of his issues, so vast a task I can't even begin to discover where to start.
Maybe I'm just exhausted.
I've worked my ass off these past few weeks, barely functioning on little to no sleep whatsoever.
I've barely had time for myself, let alone other people. When I wasn't working, I was trying to squeeze in some time for sleep, or forcing myself to get the rest of my responsibilities or errands done, or wasting away all hopes of free time on public transportation.
Now it feels like I'm falling apart, coming undone at the seams right before my very eyes.
What is it that triggered this in me? Why am I now so consumed with my own irritation that I can't even focus on maintaining control of myself?
There are things I know I need to say, words I know I need to verbally express to make me feel more at ease in my situation—but I'm not saying them.
Why?
What are my motives for keeping them to myself, for not letting my needs known?
What exactly am I trying to grasp at here?
I crave a connection.
I'm desperate to find that intimate connection because for some reason, I feel as if possessing that would somehow complete me.
I'm irritated because I don't have it.
And with this irritation, I only push people further away instead of bringing them closer.
I'm putting myself on a destructive cycle here.
I want you, but I want you to keep your distance.
Come closer, stay away.
I'm torn between these two and I don't know which way to go.
Don't even know how to take a step in either direction.
I need space.
I need to distance myself away from everyone.
Better to have nothing than to have just a little of something.
Oh God, I'm falling apart and I don't know how to put myself back together again.
What did I expect?
You bare your heart and soul to another person.
You finally give verbal expression to what you're really feeling deep down inside.
You openly pour your guts out to someone you trust completely in an honest, no-holds-barred fashion without being afraid to be seen as weak, vulnerable, flawed.
You willingly lay out all of your cards on the table for the whole world to see, and of course, this is what happens.
It's astonishing to see the lack of a learning curve I posses with this sort of thing, given the amount of times I've put myself in this situation many times before.
I give, and I give, and I give—but what do I ever get in return?
Besides regret, that is.
Let that be another lesson to you.
How does a fish get caught?
He opens his mouth.
The cards are staying close to my chest this time around.
I'm having an extremely difficult time with the first assignment of the class I'm taking for the third (and hopefully last) time.
Establish your life's mission statement and tailor it to meet the description of your business.
Step one:
To promote the awareness and understanding of the connection between the physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of life.
To teach the world about the integration of body, mind, and spirit.
To increase the efficiency and productivity of an accessible population.
To make the world more productive. To eliminate the musculoskeletal hindrances of the working class through therapeutic bodywork and client education. (?)
To empower the masses with education and physical prowess.
I guess I'm having a very tough time trying to get past Step One because I've yet to find exactly what it is that makes up the driving force of my life.
I don't know what my purpose in life is, my reason for being here.
And it's driving me nuts.
Not just because I need to know it so I can finally move on with my Career Development project, but because I've spent 22 years of my life living on this earth without ever knowing what it is I want out of it.
I guess I should calm down, take it slow. Be a little more patient with myself, because what 22-year-old really knows what it is exactly that they want to make of their life?
I know I shouldn't expect too much out of myself, but I can't help placing these nearly-impossible expectations around my neck— it's just who I am.
And also, I really want to move on with this fucking assignment.
So what is it exactly that I want to make out of my life?
What is it exactly that gives me that oomph!, that driving passion that makes me can't help but do something?
What is it exactly that puts a fire under my ass and inspires me to do something great, make my mark on this world?
I have so many wants in my my life, so many tasks I want to cross off my life's To-Do list, but I've yet to run across that one entry that makes my heart leap out of my chest, the one I read and immediately know that's it!
The one thing I know for certain is that I don't want to leave this world without ever having made my mark on it.
I want to make an outstanding impact, make the time I spent on this earth mean something before I leave it.
This is the big picture I see that really inspires me to… what, exactly?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
What can I do to leave that kind of impression on this world?
It feels as if there is this large cloud of enigmatic possibility floating above me, so profound I can't even begin to comprehend its existence, and it is just waiting for me to tap into my highest potential so it can finally break and let loose the greatness I've got stored up inside of me.
And all I can do is feel washed up with regret over the fact that I still haven't figured out a way to reach it, to not even begin to have scratched the surface if it after all this time.
It's left me feeling nothing but frustration.
I feel like banging my head against the wall until I force it out of me, just so I can save myself all that time unsuccessfully trying to figure out who I am and what greatness I can achieve.
To answer why I want to achieve such greatness is easy: because I love praise and adoration that would come of possessing such an accomplishment.
I'm only ever truly happy when I have an audience, someone with whom to bask in the glory of my triumphs, the darkness of my failures, the pride in my success.
Perhaps that is my main purpose in life: to have an audience.
It's what I can honestly say makes me truly happy in life.
But how to tailor it to a massage-oriented business…?
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