M.B., 09-0827

The good times are killing me.

The Culprit

 vastus medialis

(source)

Open Letter: I.

I.,

I'm happy for you.

I'm excited for you.

You have a fresh start.

You've got every opportunity in the world laid out before you, and it can all be yours, just ripe for the picking.

I only want everything good possible for you.

I'm only sad because this situation just serves as a painful reminder that I've already cashed in my check, already had these opportunities you're only beginning to experience and had lost them with nothing more than a bat of an eye.

Don't make the same mistakes I've made.

I won't let you make the same mistakes I've made.

I love you.

J.

Over(sex)drive

Has sex lost its meaning for me?

It's been a long time since I've had a physical relationship with someone I genuinely cared about, rather than anonymous strangers in unfamiliar places.

It feels as if I've been on autopilot for so long that I'm afraid I've forgotten what it's like to take the wheel and drive to a destination of my own choosing, to a place I've been yearning to go for so long.

I feel nothing but emptiness inside, only a wave of regret washing over me at every attempt I make to fill that void that only results in failure.

Maybe W. was right.

Hiding my expectations and desires from the world doesn't protect me from disappointment; it only leaves me feeling weaker, emptier.

A fraud.

By not claiming my true wants and needs, I will never receive them.

I'm settling.

I'm accepting things way below the standard of my expectations.

No wonder I'm unhappy.

I'm not getting what I want, and I can only blame myself.

I've set my self up for disappointment by trying to protect myself from it.

It feels as if I've been given something completely opposite of what I wanted all along, and it's too late to take it back, too late for a do-over.

My mistake has cost my happiness, but this time I'm willing to fight for it back.

I know what I want now. I've always known.

Now it's just a matter of being honest with myself for wanting it, and not being afraid of going after it.

It's my turn to take the wheel and point it to the direction I want to go this time around.

Soul-Shredding Wordplay*

It must have come to me a while later when I was still in his arms. It woke me up before I even realized I had dozed off, filling me with a sense of dread and anxiety I couldn't begin to fathom.

I felt queasy, as if I had been sick and needed not just many showers to wash everything off but a bath in mouthwash.

I needed to be far away—from him, from this room, from what we'd done together.

It was as though I were slowly landing from an awful nightmare but wasn't quite touching the ground yet and wasn't sure I wanted to, because what awaited was not going to be much better, though I knew I couldn't go on hanging on to that giant, amorphous blob of a nightmare that felt like the biggest cloud of self-loathing and remorse that had ever wafted into my life.

I would never be the same.

How had I let him do these things to me, and how eagerly had I participated in them, and spurred them on, and then waited for him, begging him, Please don't stop.

Now his goo was matted on my chest as proof that I had crossed a terrible line. …

[I had offended] those who were yet unborn or unmet and whom I'd never be able to love without remembering this mass of shame and revulsion rising between my life and theirs. It would haunt and sully my love for them, and between us, there would be this secret that could tarnish everything good in me.

Sounds just like a first time to me.


* Aciman, Andre. Call Me By Your Name. New York: Picador, 2008. Print.

Apathy

It's hard to care when there's so many things vying for your attention.

You just sort of give up trying to take control of things and say "Fuck it, I'm done."

I hate to be a victim of apathy.

I'm never against taking a stand for what's right.

I don't know how, but I've lost my fight.

Too many things to fight for, I guess I just gave up.

I'm sorry.

I just don't care anymore.

Say Goodnight And Go

I think we're done.

(It was fun while it lasted.)

First

There are lots of things I've come to learn about myself these past few weeks.

I am so much more than I realize.

These past few weeks have been a time of many Firsts for me, Firsts I had never hoped nor dreamed nor ever expected I would be ever capable of doing.

My First Time Hooking Up In An Adult Video Arcade Booth.

My First Time Hooking Up With Someone In My New House.

My First Time Hooking Up With More Than One Person At The Same Time.

My First Time Buying Drugs.

My First Time Having A Great Birthday.

My First Time Realizing That I Already Have The Amazing Friends I've Always Wanted.

My First Time Realizing I Already Have The Best Friend I'd Been Wishing For All This Time.

My First Time Realizing I Am Stronger Than I Give Myself Credit For.

My First Time Being Truly Happy With What I Have.

Yes, it's  definitely been a series of Firsts, one after the other, and in such a short time frame.

I feel as if I've walked into a whirlwind, only to be spat back out a disheveled mess.

Only instead of losing everything like how I usually end up feeling in previous situations like this, I've gained so much more.

It's only now that I realize that I am truly meant to be happy. I've been given Life's blessings all this time, and in my constant pursuance of my impossibly high expectations, I've only felt as if I'd been given the short end of the stick… until now.

Until I had been given the gift to open my eyes and truly see what it is with which I'd been so graciously blessed.

This post is not what I had originally anticipated it to be.

I thought I was going to sit down and write about the profound impact yesterday evening had been for me and its repercussions on my psyche and that premiere relationship around which it centers, but I guess I've managed to see the bigger picture this time around.

I admit there are times when my insecurities get a strong hold of me, making it feel impossible for me to shake off those persistent voices telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not strong enough.

But it took something so huge, so great in its divine meaning I can't even begin to comprehend its impact on me, to make me finally realize that I am so much more than I give myself credit for.

It's helped boost my self-esteem exponentially, which I have to say had been lagging for quite some time now that I began to wonder what my self-worth really was— and it's never a pretty picture when I let my mind wander over there.

Someone out there cares about what I have to say.

Someone out there appreciates what I can contribute to this world.

Someone out there can benefit from the wisdom I've learned and am willing to pass on.

Someone out there believes in me.

And I've finally realized for the first time: it's about damn time I started believing in myself.

Deuce Deuce

Thank you, guys!

(Sorry, Wilfred + date!)

I Thought That You'd Want What I Want

I Wanna Rock Wit U

hey u want to hook up thresome

You sure know how to rock a guy's world.

- - -

I'm fascinated by the intrigue.

I never cease to feel as if my heart is leaping out of my chest whenever I hear from you,  think of you.

I'm not bored yet.

If anything, you leave me curious as to what you're gonna pull out of your sleeve next.

The excitement you throw my way makes me feel alive again, gives me that rush, that thrill that I had been desperately seeking for such a long time.

It's never a dull moment with you.

Let's keep this going.

Don't stop now.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I am hooked on you.

- - -

I'm game if you are.