Open Letter: Little J.

Dear Little J.,

I'm sorry I held you back.

I'm sorry I didn't give you all the support you needed as you struggled through your life without knowing what any of it meant.

I'm sorry I believed all this time that you were too weak and fragile to stand up and fight for yourself.

I'm sorry for not hearing your voice, for letting you cry yourself to sleep some nights without letting anyone know why.

I'm sorry I put so much fear into you I had to put you in a shell to protect you from the world.

I'm sorry for not giving you the strength you needed to fight those fears, the courage to seek life on your own, the love in yourself that was the summation of all you ever really needed.

I'm sorry I taught you to fear instead of to love.

I'm sorry for shutting you out.

I'm sorry I let you down.

I was stupid.

I made some horrible mistakes.

I wish to God I could go back in time and correct them for you, to save you from all the hurt and misery I put you through, but you and I both know that's not how it works.

So instead of sending you my regrets (what would you do with them, anyway?), I'm sending you my gratitude.

Thank you for all that you've done. The decisions you've made. The choices you've chosen. The actions you've taken.

The situations you've been through.

The hurt you've felt.

They've all helped to shape the person I am today.

Without you, I am nothing.

I would not have the great strength I possess now had you not suffered for them.

You are the one who has taught me that the strength I've needed all this time could be found in myself, and that the love I've been looking for has always been there, just waiting to be discovered.

Thank you for showing me what I thought I destroyed was never lost at all.

Love,
J.

A Walk In The Park

Had some spare time today after work and before class to spend walking through the Marina district of Downtown San Diego on a whim.

Spent some time here:

 
The Children's Park

Managed to take a few panorama shots before having to rush off for class.

           

You told me that you go back to the same places a lot.
Yeah, it's like gravity—big events pull you in.

You were a big event.

Texts To Myself (T2M) #2

0914 – 417PM
I've been feeling so out of touch with the world.

I haven't spent much quality time with my friends lately. The only thing connecting us now is Facebook and sporadic text messages that don't come as often as I'd like.

Even that makes me feel as if our friendship is hanging on by a measly string.

I've gotten so used to spending so much time with them that when we resume our normal distance from each other, my dramatic nature takes over and makes me believe I've been deserted, stranded, abandoned.

I guess this time away from my friends can be considered a blessing in disguise.

It's given me time to myself, time I only see now that I've desperately needed all along.

I need time to recuperate, nurture my strength. Get everything I need done that doesn't require their help.

This period of isolation shouldn't be misconstrued as a dry spell of loneliness, but as a time to get myself back on track and reprioritize my life.




curious for #1?
0829 – 1243AM
Don't punish him for what happened.

It's not his fault; it's your own insecurities coming to the surface, your own jealousy you're coming face to face with and you know it's never going to be pretty.

Allow yourself to recognize that yeah, you are jealous. Then be able to forgive yourself for feeling that way.

The sooner you get over yourself, the sooner you'll enjoy the moment for what it is and leave it at that.

Action Plan - 0910

My head is in such a messy state right now.

So many things to do, so many things to take care of; I feel like I'm spinning out of control into disaster unless I force myself to shake out of my hysteria and take the reigns.

Time for a little prioritizing.

(REV. 0921 | 1116PM)

ESCUELALA
x touch for health // study TFH protocol + exam (0916)
x synergistic massage // (3) client evaluation forms (0917)
x advanced lab // Thoracic Outlet Syndrome pamphlet (0918)
x asian bodywork // (12) Tui Na/Shiatsu treatment logs (0921)

_ call financial aid to increase student loan by $900 (0915)
x register for career development for the last time! (0918)

OTHER 
x pay phone bill
_ renew ID
_ buy:
xxx- glandular adrenal supplements
xxx- condoms
xxx- beard trimmer
_ fold down woven shirts
_ remember to breathe

 

I think it's about damn time I got my shit together.