Action Plan - 0211

Tax return money finally came in and already, I'm thinking of ways on how to spend it in the most frivolous manner despite the fact that I've got priorities to take care of first.

Let's remind myself what those priorities are, shall we?


(REV. 0212 | 946PM)

GET YOUR FUCKING MASSAGE LICENSE !!
x pay $150 CAMTC license fee - done online
x request $10 school transcript from Mueller College
x mail out CAMTC application
x get $90 Live Scan fingerprinted
_ set aside $200 for membership organization fee


VOLUNTEER WITH THE LGBT COMMUNITY CENTER !!
x get $20 Live Scan background-checked
_ attend New Volunteer orientation (TBD)


Let's get the ball rolling here in the right direction.

Absolution 9:50

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

I have thought unkind things toward myself and other people.

I seek Your retribution.

I seek Your forgiveness.

Forgive me for belittling Your work.

Forgive me for taking Your gifts for granted.

Forgive me for beseeching Your forgiveness.

Forgive me for what I've broken.

Heal me for what I've lost.

Give me hope for the better.

Help me find in me the strength I need.

Return to me the love I've lost.

Forgive me for losing sight.

Forgive me, Father, for all my faults and wrong-doing.

Give me hope.

Give me strength.

Give me faith.

Give me love.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Amen.

From P., With Lust

0206-10 | 0942PM

A call from an unfamiliar number interrupts his thoughts, his solitude.

Curious more than anything, he decides to override his initial instinct to screen the call and just answer it.

He immediately regrets his decision once he hears the familiar voice on the other line- casual and nonchalant, but there is no denying the urgent need to fulfill a primal instinct belying an ulterior motive as the conversation progresses.

A brief catch up (How've you been? Alright. Me too.) serves as an awkward preamble to the meat of the of the matter, both comparing notes of their soonest availability and discovering a mutually agreeable opening in their respective schedules.

Put on the spot, his instinctive fear to commit kicks in, and he casually and nonchalantly in return asks for a raincheck, his gregarious nature leaving his response more along the lines of an open-ended regret than a flat-out rejection.

He hangs up as soon as the opportunity presents itself, remaining polite yet detached, and is surprised and ashamed to realize he's hard.

- - -

This loneliness thing is a bitch.

He knows what he wants, and it isn't this.

Or is it?

He can't decide.

He wants a committed, meaningful, satisfying connection with someone he can call his significant other.

His boyfriend.

His own.

But there doesn't seem to be much that, if any at all, headed his way lately.

So he figures, Why not settle?

Why not just go for something that is headed his way?

Even if it is just a meaningless fuck in a dark, dirty arcade booth of a sleazy adult video store?

Even if he knows this romance-less encounter will only leave him feeling all the more lonely, all the more empty inside?

Why not?

Bubble Boy

0206 – 0925PM

It's hard to admit to anyone, let alone to myself, that I'm sad, bitter, miserable, all because I'm lonely.

I drink to forget I'm lonely.

I sleep with strangers to hide the fact that I'm alone.

I push people away to deny that I need them.

I don't know where this insecurity comes from, where this persistent fear of rejection originates.

I can trace its effects, list the symptoms that derive from this fear, but I can't for the life of me find its origins.

I am stubbornly independent. My need to be in control of things at all times have won me no friends, in fact has drive more people away from my reach.

The comfort I find in working alone alone has put me inside a bubble, apart from everyone around me.

I don't know how to work in a team after working alone and only relying on myself all this time.

I don't know how to relate to people when, growing up, I only had my own experiences, my own thoughts, my own knowledge from which to draw.

I can't see anything beyond the solitary bubble I love in, besides the fact that I'm all alone, and everything I'm doing isn't helping to change that.

Righting The Wrong

It always feels like I am in the wrong.

It feels as if all the good I've done, am capable of doing, is overshadowed by the things I can't seem to get right.

I know I ought to look at the bright side, believe that the good I do outweighs the bad.

I know I'm looking at it all wrong, that I'd be happier if I just shifted my perspective on things a little different, but that only goes to show that I'm only capable of doing things wrong.

I'm not a great friend- I don't ask about you, don't care about you unless my immediate needs are met first, that my list of expectations have already been checked off before moving on to someone else.

I'm not a great leader- I'm blunt when it comes to communicating. My focus is on the task at hand and what needs to be done, not on why you can't do it if you're having a bad day.

There are times when my emotional side gets flipped off, diminished to a point of near nonexistence just so I can get through the job, get through the day.

I can spend a good portion of my day working and getting all my shit done, not realizing until the end of the day that I come home to an empty house, that there's a void in my heart and I can't figure out why.

I know I need to be my own best friend.

I've told myself that so many times.

No one's going to believe in me unless I believe in myself.

And I do.

For the most part.

I know I'm capable of doing good.

I know I'm capable of being so much more.

I know all that.

The worst thing about being able to see both sides is picking one.

I can find all the faults, scrutinize all the flaws and cracks.

And I can see the good, the glory behind the tragedy, the sun behind the clouds.

I can see the problem and find the solution.

The only thing I find difficult is choosing a path.

So I stay in the middle.

I stay on the current road and hope for the best while bemoaning my agonies.

I am a sadistic optimist, a optimistic sadist.

And I know that's wrong, but I won't choose something else.

- - -

I'm tired of always having to remind myself that I am better than this, better than wallowing in my sorrow over failures and hurdles I can't ever seem to overcome.

Tired of always having to remind myself that I am also capable of great achievements, accomplishing triumphant success.

Tired of reminding myself how far I've come, the leaps and bounds I've made, and the long, unfamiliar road that still looms in the distance.

I'm tired of being my own cheerleader.

It gets lonely sitting on the sidelines by myself, with no one else there rooting for me.

But it's the only choice I have.

Even it's a wrong one.

The Fate of the Groundhog

I'm feeling at such a loss.

Strange, I thought that period of the year for me was already over and done with.

I thought that once I made it through January, I'd be okay.

That I would pick up where I left off and resume normal functioning, rejoin the ranks of being a functional member of society again.

Looks like there's six more weeks of trouble.

- - -

I'm not yet at a point where I can fully comprehend how the loss of the man who taught me so much has affected me.

I'm devastated to be sure, but I just can't find the words to sum up exactly how I feel, to accurately identify what it is that's plaguing my mind over this.

I've learned so much under his tutelage, through his mastery and philosophy. It's added an invaluable layer to me that I hold dearly in such high regard.

I'm in woe of the regret I have for not making much of it, for not taking advantage of the time Fate had graciously given me to be spent with him.

Missed opportunities and such.

And now there is no more possibility of chance to learn more from him, learn from his experiences to help me grow, and I am saddened by this.

E.W. "Bill" Mueller was a great man. I did not know him personally in intimate detail, but nonetheless he imparted to me something so great I have no other way of thanking him but to continue on with what he's given me and to help share that with those in need of healing from his wisdom.

- - -

I've been filled with such grief and anguish lately and it feels like there is no stopping point looming in the horizon any time soon.

Blame it on the lack of working.

Blame it on the lack of consistency.

Blame it on the excessive amount of free time on my hands, and the lack of things to do that are within my control.

Blame it on reading old journal entries of tales that are done and over with yet from which I can't seem to move on.

Blame it on anything but myself because right now, I'm finding it difficult to take responsibility for my actions.

I'm lacking focus. I can't fully analyze anything, make sense of anything at the moment. This translates to a feeling of lack of control, and I automatically enter panic mode.

I feel as if I'm running in circles, going nowhere.

Can't even formulate a sentence, an idea or thought, to full fruition.

Can't even finish a fucking blog entry.