The Fate of the Groundhog

I'm feeling at such a loss.

Strange, I thought that period of the year for me was already over and done with.

I thought that once I made it through January, I'd be okay.

That I would pick up where I left off and resume normal functioning, rejoin the ranks of being a functional member of society again.

Looks like there's six more weeks of trouble.

- - -

I'm not yet at a point where I can fully comprehend how the loss of the man who taught me so much has affected me.

I'm devastated to be sure, but I just can't find the words to sum up exactly how I feel, to accurately identify what it is that's plaguing my mind over this.

I've learned so much under his tutelage, through his mastery and philosophy. It's added an invaluable layer to me that I hold dearly in such high regard.

I'm in woe of the regret I have for not making much of it, for not taking advantage of the time Fate had graciously given me to be spent with him.

Missed opportunities and such.

And now there is no more possibility of chance to learn more from him, learn from his experiences to help me grow, and I am saddened by this.

E.W. "Bill" Mueller was a great man. I did not know him personally in intimate detail, but nonetheless he imparted to me something so great I have no other way of thanking him but to continue on with what he's given me and to help share that with those in need of healing from his wisdom.

- - -

I've been filled with such grief and anguish lately and it feels like there is no stopping point looming in the horizon any time soon.

Blame it on the lack of working.

Blame it on the lack of consistency.

Blame it on the excessive amount of free time on my hands, and the lack of things to do that are within my control.

Blame it on reading old journal entries of tales that are done and over with yet from which I can't seem to move on.

Blame it on anything but myself because right now, I'm finding it difficult to take responsibility for my actions.

I'm lacking focus. I can't fully analyze anything, make sense of anything at the moment. This translates to a feeling of lack of control, and I automatically enter panic mode.

I feel as if I'm running in circles, going nowhere.

Can't even formulate a sentence, an idea or thought, to full fruition.

Can't even finish a fucking blog entry.