Righting The Wrong

It always feels like I am in the wrong.

It feels as if all the good I've done, am capable of doing, is overshadowed by the things I can't seem to get right.

I know I ought to look at the bright side, believe that the good I do outweighs the bad.

I know I'm looking at it all wrong, that I'd be happier if I just shifted my perspective on things a little different, but that only goes to show that I'm only capable of doing things wrong.

I'm not a great friend- I don't ask about you, don't care about you unless my immediate needs are met first, that my list of expectations have already been checked off before moving on to someone else.

I'm not a great leader- I'm blunt when it comes to communicating. My focus is on the task at hand and what needs to be done, not on why you can't do it if you're having a bad day.

There are times when my emotional side gets flipped off, diminished to a point of near nonexistence just so I can get through the job, get through the day.

I can spend a good portion of my day working and getting all my shit done, not realizing until the end of the day that I come home to an empty house, that there's a void in my heart and I can't figure out why.

I know I need to be my own best friend.

I've told myself that so many times.

No one's going to believe in me unless I believe in myself.

And I do.

For the most part.

I know I'm capable of doing good.

I know I'm capable of being so much more.

I know all that.

The worst thing about being able to see both sides is picking one.

I can find all the faults, scrutinize all the flaws and cracks.

And I can see the good, the glory behind the tragedy, the sun behind the clouds.

I can see the problem and find the solution.

The only thing I find difficult is choosing a path.

So I stay in the middle.

I stay on the current road and hope for the best while bemoaning my agonies.

I am a sadistic optimist, a optimistic sadist.

And I know that's wrong, but I won't choose something else.

- - -

I'm tired of always having to remind myself that I am better than this, better than wallowing in my sorrow over failures and hurdles I can't ever seem to overcome.

Tired of always having to remind myself that I am also capable of great achievements, accomplishing triumphant success.

Tired of reminding myself how far I've come, the leaps and bounds I've made, and the long, unfamiliar road that still looms in the distance.

I'm tired of being my own cheerleader.

It gets lonely sitting on the sidelines by myself, with no one else there rooting for me.

But it's the only choice I have.

Even it's a wrong one.