First

There are lots of things I've come to learn about myself these past few weeks.

I am so much more than I realize.

These past few weeks have been a time of many Firsts for me, Firsts I had never hoped nor dreamed nor ever expected I would be ever capable of doing.

My First Time Hooking Up In An Adult Video Arcade Booth.

My First Time Hooking Up With Someone In My New House.

My First Time Hooking Up With More Than One Person At The Same Time.

My First Time Buying Drugs.

My First Time Having A Great Birthday.

My First Time Realizing That I Already Have The Amazing Friends I've Always Wanted.

My First Time Realizing I Already Have The Best Friend I'd Been Wishing For All This Time.

My First Time Realizing I Am Stronger Than I Give Myself Credit For.

My First Time Being Truly Happy With What I Have.

Yes, it's  definitely been a series of Firsts, one after the other, and in such a short time frame.

I feel as if I've walked into a whirlwind, only to be spat back out a disheveled mess.

Only instead of losing everything like how I usually end up feeling in previous situations like this, I've gained so much more.

It's only now that I realize that I am truly meant to be happy. I've been given Life's blessings all this time, and in my constant pursuance of my impossibly high expectations, I've only felt as if I'd been given the short end of the stick… until now.

Until I had been given the gift to open my eyes and truly see what it is with which I'd been so graciously blessed.

This post is not what I had originally anticipated it to be.

I thought I was going to sit down and write about the profound impact yesterday evening had been for me and its repercussions on my psyche and that premiere relationship around which it centers, but I guess I've managed to see the bigger picture this time around.

I admit there are times when my insecurities get a strong hold of me, making it feel impossible for me to shake off those persistent voices telling me I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not strong enough.

But it took something so huge, so great in its divine meaning I can't even begin to comprehend its impact on me, to make me finally realize that I am so much more than I give myself credit for.

It's helped boost my self-esteem exponentially, which I have to say had been lagging for quite some time now that I began to wonder what my self-worth really was— and it's never a pretty picture when I let my mind wander over there.

Someone out there cares about what I have to say.

Someone out there appreciates what I can contribute to this world.

Someone out there can benefit from the wisdom I've learned and am willing to pass on.

Someone out there believes in me.

And I've finally realized for the first time: it's about damn time I started believing in myself.