An Itch You Can't Scratch

I'm irritated and I don't know why.

The only emotion that rushes up to meet me when I check in with myself is anger and frustration, the hatred boiling in me so hot that it's manifesting itself through physical symptoms.

I'm itchy and agitated. I'm scratching needlessly, desperately at my skin, my hair, as if I'm digging for something deep within me, something that would provide the answer as to why I feel this way.

It's like a metaphor, with me scratching away, trying to find that spot that would hit me right where it hurts, but would also deliver me the pleasure of satisfaction over having found my mark.

But I'm digging and scratching and I feel like I haven't even begun to have scratched the surface, haven't even begun to discover a ballpark estimate of what it is that's driving me up the wall.

What is it that has got me feeling so hot under the collar?

Better yet, what was it that triggered this seemingly dormant emotion?

I was fine before all this.

I got my shit done, I behaved appropriately (well, as appropriate as I can be.).

I was in every means a normal, functioning member of society.

Until now.

Now I feel like a madman's taken hold of me, holding me captive until I've figured out a way to resolve all of his issues, so vast a task I can't even begin to discover where to start.

Maybe I'm just exhausted.

I've worked my ass off these past few weeks, barely functioning on little to no sleep whatsoever.

I've barely had time for myself, let alone other people. When I wasn't working, I was trying to squeeze in some time for sleep, or forcing myself to get the rest of my responsibilities or errands done, or wasting away all hopes of free time on public transportation.

Now it feels like I'm falling apart, coming undone at the seams right before my very eyes.

What is it that triggered this in me? Why am I now so consumed with my own irritation that I can't even focus on maintaining control of myself?

There are things I know I need to say, words I know I need to verbally express to make me feel more at ease in my situation—but I'm not saying them.

Why?

What are my motives for keeping them to myself, for not letting my needs known?

What exactly am I trying to grasp at here?

I crave a connection.

I'm desperate to find that intimate connection because for some reason, I feel as if possessing that would somehow complete me.

I'm irritated because I don't have it.

And with this irritation, I only push people further away instead of bringing them closer.

I'm putting myself on a destructive cycle here.

I want you, but I want you to keep your distance.

Come closer, stay away.

I'm torn between these two and I don't know which way to go.

Don't even know how to take a step in either direction.

I need space.

I need to distance myself away from everyone.

Better to have nothing than to have just a little of something.

Oh God, I'm falling apart and I don't know how to put myself back together again.