0506 – 1224AM
Sometimes I like to reread these pages and try to remember the boy who wrote them.
There are times when my heart aches reading these passages, my sympathy stretching, reaching out across time to the self-pitying boy who scribbled them down months before.
Sometimes my heart feels as if it's tearing anew as I relive those moments that tore it in the first place, perhaps to serve as a reminder that the hollow void in my heart still persists, unfulfilled.
Other times I read through these entries and am left confused, having forgotten the author of those passages and disbelieving that he and I are the same, the emotional wounds that I wrote of long before having healed- scabbed over and scarred to take shape a new persona far from where he, I started.
- - -
0506 – 0419PM
I now know from where this intense desire to be in a meaningful relationship stems.*
I never really understood the aspects of Libra, perhaps because I never really understood the aspects of myself.
It's all becoming so clear now.
This newfound understanding has made sense of a lot of things I could not have quite figured out on my own before, has given rhyme and reason to the previously unexplored enigma of my subconscious.
The driving force beneath my ego is, as I've mentioned many times before, to be part of a meaningful relationship. To possess ties to other people and breathe something much deeper into its connection.
However, this driving force, this desire is so intense that it frightens me.
Its commanding intensity as my basic primal need is so great, so desperate in its yearning to be fulfilled that it's become my tragic flaw. My Achilles heel.
It's no wonder I am handicapped by my fear of rejection.
Partner that with the numerous disappointments from my previous endeavors and it becomes even more apparent as to why I don't even try to make new relationships, friendship or otherwise, anymore.
I am simply too exhausted, too disappointed to emotionally invest in someone else now.
I still haven't found what I'm looking for, but maybe that's because I gave up searching long ago.
