A Friend in Need is a Friend Who's Fucked

I don't know where things stand, and that to me is what I find the most frustrating.

I'm a dynamic, ever-changing person, so it's stability and consistency that I crave the most— some sort of grounding element that helps pull me back when I start to drift out.

And lately, there hasn't been much of that going for me.

There hasn't been a floor, that aforementioned grounding element to help reel me back in lately, especially during these recent times when I've been feeling all at a loss— lost in myself, lost in my problems, lost in my loneliness.

I've not felt that support I've so desperately seeking, so it feels as if I'm tail-spinning further out into the unknown, into somewhere far away, somewhere unfamiliar, dark in complete isolation with no guide to help bring me back to the life I've known.

Maybe perhaps I'm partly to blame regarding this situation in which I've found myself.

Admittedly, it is not in my nature to reach out when I feel like I am being pulled away.

I expect someone, anyone to take the first step and grab hold of me to pull me back in, bring me back to the world, let me know that I'm safe and supported.

I know it's an unfair expectation to hang around peoples' neck, but it let's me know that I'm not alone in this world, that there is someone out there who cares for me, watching out for me.

But no.

Same shit, different day, I guess.

Every time this had happened, I never got what I had wanted all along: a friend, someone close, someone I trust, to just even drop a line to say Hey, what's going on? Let's go have a cup of coffee and talk.

I don't expect much from anyone, but this is pretty much my only requirement for people who really want to be a true friend in my book.

Someone to just look past all the I'm fines and I'm okays and make the attempt to pry it out of me to see what's really on my mind, and helping me to see that no, I'm not all alone in this world.

But do I ever get that?

Nope.

Nope, nope, nope.

None of that at all.

So can you blame a guy for wallowing in pity after realizing that yeah, he pretty much is all alone in the world? That this feeling of a vast cloud of loneliness hanging above him is in fact justified?

Didn't think so.

So I guess it's up to me again to pull myself out of this sea of misery I'm drowning myself in.

It's up to me yet again to take the responsibility to get myself to buck the fuck up and get on with life, because obviously no one else is gonna risk reaching their hand out to help me up.

And I wonder why I'm so self-sufficient sometimes, so stubbornly independent that I absolutely refuse to ask for help when I know not doing so will only shoot me in the foot.

Can you blame a guy for not trusting anyone to help him out when they haven't given him a reason to trust them in the first place?

I'm tired of this.

I'm tired of investing all my time and energy caring for other people, showing them I'm capable of being a great friend when they never seem to do the same for me in return.

I will drop everything I'm doing at a moment's notice to meet up with you at your insistence.

I will persistently ask you what's wrong until you really tell me what's on your mind.

I will put aside my own problems so that I can genuinely help you out with yours.

I will be the one to reach out and pull you back in when it feels like you're spinning out of control.

And now I won't be the one waiting for your phone call when I'm on the other side of the situation, because in all honesty: what have you done for me lately?

I'm tired of this shit. I don't care anymore.

Deal with your own drama, because you're the one leaving me to deal with my own.